Final Word: New face of parenting is creepy

By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

Growing up, I thought my parents were just fine. They took good care of me, fed me, taught me some life lessons, disciplined me, then sent me on my way.

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  By Suzy Parker, USA TODAY

By Suzy Parker, USA TODAY

I had one mother and one father, and that seemed quite enough at the time. On occasion it even seemed too much.

My father, for instance, would leave a list on the kitchen table most Saturday mornings. Chores for the day. This began at an early age. Like 5. Never too early to start helping out around the house, he'd say. I did not agree.

My mother's only demand was that I pick up my room. The good news was she didn't seem to really care if I did or not. We got along just fine. Nothing clingy.

But now along comes a man in California who is promoting what he calls Parent Dolls.

Here's how they work: You take a photo of your face, slap it on the head of a plush doll, record a message inside the doll's tummy, and your child carries you around all day while you're away. (It's up to you what you want to say to your child. You have eight minutes to say it.)

Have you ever heard of anything so perverse? Me either.

Good parents go away for periods of time. Like to work. Like to the grocery store. Like to Las Vegas.

As a kid, I liked to think of their time away as my downtime. And when they returned and asked if everything was fine, I'd always say, "Better than fine." This always seemed to amuse them.

As for my father's face on a doll's head, I can't imagine. The word "creepy" comes to mind. I'd have fled.

And what would he be telling me from the doll's tummy? Get your chores done? I would have pushed that voice button but once.

The inventors of Parent Dolls mean well, I'm sure. They say the child will bond even more with the parent if the "doll" is talking to them all day, encouraging them, comforting them.

I have a better idea: Uncle Dolls.

Much to my sister-in-law's chagrin, I taught my niece and nephews dozens of things she and my brother never did. And we're not just talking sex here, although that did come up. We're talking bathroom humor. Bad dining habits. Antisocial behavior. Things uncles know all about.

They're too old for an Uncle Doll now, but what fun it would have been to record that eight-minute message 25 years ago. "Today we're going to talk about the joys of the whoopee cushion ..."

I had to do next best thing. I told them directly. Old-fashioned, yes. But it worked perfectly.

E-mail cwilson@usatoday.com.

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